Darn Crash Bandicoot!
by Nush
Summary: In this two part story, Doctor Neo Cortex is so humiliated being thwarted by Crash Bandicoot that he will stop at nothing to destroy him and gives his failures a chance to get him once and for all! [Set after CB 1]
1. Explain Yourselves!

**:Darn Crash Bandicoot:**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I own my telephone booth only. It's my new home. Crash and pals belong to whoever develops them now.**

**Summary: In this two part story, an infuriated Doctor Cortex seizes an oppotunity to thwart his arch nemesis Crash Bandicoot. Alas, he gives his henchmen once last chance to redeem themselves after being defeated (and humiliated in the process) by Crash. Now is the time for operation "Get Crash Bandicoot Plan X!" Will Cortex succeed? (shrugs) Maybe! Hopefully! (coughs are heard) Set after CB 1 (it's his last ditch attempt to defeat him before CB 2)!**

**Explain Yourselves**

**"Well? Explain yourselves!"**

**Cortex was met with confused glances from his injured henchmen.**

**"Explain what?" asked Pinstripe, placing a bag of ice on his head.**

**"Explain how that bandicoot managed to defeat you all!" Cortex demanded. "I just don't understand it! He's a failure!" Cortex walked around with his arms behind his back in thought.**

**"Papu Papu no know how he was beat! Papu Papu hang head in shame." Papu Papu hung his head in disgrace.**

**"Muhahahahahahaha! Hehehehahahahahaha!" Ripper Roo shrieked with laughter, scratching his sore, bandaged head with his razor sharp toenails.**

**Raising an eyebrow, Cortex blinked. "I see..."**

**Koala Kong winced angrily. "Kong get hit by rocks. No fair! I wanna hit bandicoot with rock!"**

**Pinstripe sighed, shaking his head in embarrasment. "Let's not go there! I mean armchairs protect bandicoots from BULLETS! That's insane!"**

**Cortex slapped his forehead in agony of hearing pitiful excuses and started to staunter around deep in thought. Suddenly he shot a glare at his henchmen, frowning. "I've been thwarted! I've got to destroy that darn bandicoot! He got in the way of my evil world domaination schemes! Unexpectedly!" **

**Pausing for dramatic effect, he suddenly got out a photo of Crash and demolished it with a shot from his laser gun.**

**"It's time to get that bandicoot!"**

**Cortex was greeted with silence, as the henchmen raised their eyebrows.**

**"You're all as much failures as he is!" Cortex turned to look at Papu Papu. "Maybe if you watched your back, he wouldn't have defeated you!"**

**Papu Papu started to brawl in embarrassment.**

**"It is thanks to you I have no headquarters, since you sold off the ruins of my...beloved castle!" Cortex wailed, drying a tear from his eye before continuing. "Now we have to camp out in Starbucks!" He turned to Ripper Roo.**

**"Ripper Roo...oh Ripper Roo." he shook his head solemnly. "I don't even know where to start with you. You know it's never a good idea to mix you up with explosives."**

**Ripper Roo simply responded with shrill manical laughter.**

**"Koala Kong. Your apparent lack of brains really failed you."**

**Koala Kong scratched his head, dumbstruck. "Kong no understand."**

**Sighing, Cortex looked at Pinstripe, who was taking a serious dosage of asprins.**

**"Pinstripe, Pinstripe,Pinstripe." he murmured gravely. "What happened! Bulletproof armchairs!"**

**Pinstripe groaned, adding another bag of ice to his head.**

**"And Brio! You-" Cortex glanced around. "Oh. He's gone." His tone transformed back into a bossy tone. "You bunch of failures have disgraced me..."**

**The henchmen groaned. **

**"But!" he suddenly grinned. "We all might still have a chance! Here's the plan!"**

**"Yous serious? We've all taken a beatin' from some failure!"**

**"Muhahahahahahahahahaha! Hehehehehehehehe!"**

**"Papu Papu smell good food!"**

**"Kong need rocks!"**

**Cortex sighed in annoyance. "What does it take for you failures to listen?"**

**Silence.**

**"Anyway. It's time for "Get Crash Bandicoot Plan X"! Crash and the she-bandicoot are somewhere still on this island! All we have to do his ambush them."**

**Silence.**

**"For a genius such as I, it's not the most creative of ideas. But seeing as I'm humilated by being thwarted, I'm willing to do anything to destroy him!" Cortex roared, stomping on Crash Bandicoot merchandise.**

**The henchmen went about their own businesses respectively, not listening to their master.**

**"What is wrong with you all! DON'T YOU WANT TO CRUSH THAT BANDICOOT?"**

**"Yes!" they chorused in unison.**

**"So? GET TO IT!" he pointed to the exit.**

**The minions stared back blankly.**

**Cortex hopped on into the "meeting room" table, flapping his gloved hand at Papu Papu to play the piano in the background. Instead disco music came, making Cortex very angrily raise his laser gun and destroy the stereo. **

**He was ready to make his big dramatic speech. "You see, when I was a young doc, I had a dream! A dream to be most evil, twisted, diabolical doctor in the world! Hellbent at world domaination by the age of six, I was going to carry out this dream! But now that nasty, dimwitted dobadder of a marsupial in is in the way." He pouted. "No matter how dimwitted you all are, you must keep the Cortex reputation alive!"**

**Papu Papu crushed the piano, halting the dramatic music.**

**Ripper Roo scratched a tear from his eye, touched.**

**"SO GET OUT THERE AND GET HIM!"**

**The henchmen applauded clamorously, before charging outside the headquarters (therefore magically forgetting about their wounds ) ).**

**Koala Kong came to a sudden halt. "Duh. What does Kong do again boss?"**

**Cortex sighed, shaking his head.**

**To Be Continued!**

**So will Cortex's plan work? Will the henchmen execute their ambush successfully? What colour shall I paint my telephone booth? So many questions! Wait until part two! WOO-HOO-HOO!**

**Pinstripe: Your telephone booth should be red.**

**Komodo Joe: No green!**

**Pinstripe: RED!**

**Komodo Joe: GREEN!**

**Ciao!**

**Love Nush xoxoxoxox**


	2. Ambushes!

**Disclaimer: READ LAST CHAPTER! **

**Pinstripe: She gets tired of writing disclaimers!**

**Damn right I do! But it's something I gots to do!**

**Komodo Joe: Now back to the ssssssstory!**

**:Ambushes:**

**Crash and Tawna were harmlessly driving along a random road somewhere. **

**"Oh Crash! Weeks ago we were in a rotten lab that smelled of cheap aftershave! Now we're free!" Tawna said happily.**

**Crash nodded happily, casually putting on his sunglasses.**

**Suddenly! Yes! SUDDENLY! (I just love sudden appearances!) Another car pulled up behind the happy couple out of no-where!**

**"What the-" Tawna blinked rapidly.**

**"Hahahahahahahahahehehehahaha!" hysterical laughter came from the car.**

**"Is that car laughing at us!" The female bandicoot screeched in confusion.**

**Crash simply shrugged, as he made the car swerve aside as the other car accelerated off a nearby cliff. The resulting explosion sent the car to fly down to the depths below.**

**Tawna and Crash blinked in confusion as they stepped out the car to investigate.**

**"Aw man! I was meant to make a memorable entrance!" came the complaint of the mystery pursuer, climbing up the cliff.**

**Crash scratched his scalp.**

**"(cough) Do yous not remember me...(cough) Crash Bandicoot!" **

**Crash stared blankly.**

**"No? Yous don't?" Pinstripe coughed violently as he stepped out of the smoke.**

**Crash's eyes flickered in recoginition.**

**"Yous destroyed my office! Destroyed my stamp collection! Worst of all...yous destroyed my prize-winning ham!" Pinstripe hissed, dusting off dirt from his suit.**

**Tawna smirked in amusement. "Crash? Is this one of the losers you beat? Is he the Mafia-wannabe?"**

**"I RESENT THAT!"**

**"You must be insane to want a re-match! He'll kick your ass to Latvia again!"**

**Although initially VERY angry at this moment in time, he was suddenly dumbstruck by her beauty.**

**"Hey buddy! My eyes are up here!" Tawna frowned, waving her hands.**

**Koala Kong suddenly appeared, creeping as quietly and quickly as he could with a 60ft boulder (Don't ask!)! He was about crush Crash with it, when he clumsily tripped over a rock resulting in a huge Koala Kong pancake!**

**In the near distance, Papu Papu complete with a blonde wig and dress was pushing along a baby's pram.**

**"When Papu Papu say "Baby Boom-Boom" you throw thing that go boom! Papu Papu have your understanding?"**

**Ripper Roo -complete with baby gear- popped his head out of the pram and manically giggled. "Hehehehehehehahahaha! Gooo, gooo!"**

**Meanwhile, Crash was getting annoyed with Pinstripe's gawping.**

**"Haven't I seen yous before?" Pinstripe asked, batting his eyelids. (Can you do that!)**

**Disturbed his batting eyelids, Tawna glared at him. "No!"**

**Pinstripe shook his head, dispelling his romantic thoughts. "Oh man! I forgot why I'm even here!" **

**Kicking the dirt for several moments made the plan come back to him. "Oh yeah! Now I know!" **

**Dramatic music boomed in the background. "Do yous know why I am here today? Because I am the potoroo to destroy yous!"**

**Rolling his eyes, Crash arranged his hair while giving Pinstripe a "sure you can destroy me" look.**

**He hastily raised his tommy gun in one hand. "FORDOCTORCORTEX!" he yelled rapidly, as he charged towards Crash opening fire.**

**Crash yawned as he stepped out the way.**

**"Why do yous have to make this harder? No bulletproof furniture this time!" he yelled manically, turning around.**

**Meanwhile Papu Papu pushed the pram up towards the cliff area. "Pushing pram hard work."**

**Ripper Roo's twisted expression turned into an annoyed one. "Muahahahahahahahaha!" (Translation: "You've only started pushing!")**

**Papu Papu sighted the enemy just yards away. "Baby-Boom Boom! Baby-Boom-Boom!"**

**"Muhahahahahahaha!" Ripper Roo used his feet to throw a TNT box towards Crash.**

**"Got yous now Bandicoot!" Pinstripe said happily, before the TNT box landed right in front of him!**

**"What the-"**

**BOOM!**

**The explosion sent Pinstripe flying all the way to Latvia.**

**"Labdien!" chirped a Latvian citizen.**

**Papu Papu looked worried and started to push the pram to get away from Crash, resulting in Ripper Roo manically laughing. **

**"What's so funny? Papu Papu no get joke."**

**As if on cue, the pram haphazardly exploded.**

**Crash and Tawna were left very confused surrounded by debris.**

**"What was that all about?" Tawna gasped in amazement.**

**Crash simply just blinked.**

**Meanwhile back to Cortex's HQ (Starbucks)...**

**All the wounded henchmen were back in the meeting room needing bandages and asprins.**

**"Don't tell me!" Cortex sighed. "You all failed again, right?"**

**The minions nodded.**

**Cortex twiddled his thumbs. "What do you all have to say?"**

**"Uh...his girlfriend is hot?"**

**Cortex bit his lip in his attempt to resist his anger. "I'm calm. I'm cool. I'm collective."**

**Everyone sighed happily.**

**Unable to hold his anger in any longer, Cortex exploded: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT AGAIN! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

**"IT WAS HIS FAULT!" the minions all pointed to one another.**

**Uka Uka flew into the room and zapped everyone to the ground. "YOU FAILURES! YOU MORONS! THWARTED BY AN UGLY, STUPID BANDICOOT! SHAME ON YOU!" He promptly flew off again.**

**Cortex sniffed. "Next time Crash Bandicoot. NEXT TIME!"**

**ZE END!**

**Ciao! Read and review guys! No flames - if you don't like it, don't read it! Or review it! You know the score!**

**Komodo Joe and Pinstripe: (hum disco song from Urban Chaos)**

**(dances around dementedly)**

**Arriverderla!**

**Love Nush xoxoxoxox**


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